Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
