You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
This is my gift to your gina
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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