if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
