Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
