Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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