He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
