she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
