is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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