easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
