I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
