just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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