did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
