is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
