i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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