Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
