im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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