I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
