the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
