Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
