I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
