I smell stomach acid.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
