they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
