Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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