This girl is more easily done than said...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
