I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
