I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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