Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
