I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize