My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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