Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
