I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
