Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
