I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
