I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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