I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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