dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
