I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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