so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
