Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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