You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
