if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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