Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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