Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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