I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
