Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
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I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
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Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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