that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
