Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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