I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
