I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
