batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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