bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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