The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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