Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
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