Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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