my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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