if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
